7.03.2008

Suezmijne

Suezmijne (pronounced "Sess-mij-jne", 'jn' as in 'jnaani'. First syllable accent):

The phenomenon is NOT the newest phenomenon as many think it is. It's been around in some special circles for some time, precisely three years(and counting). Made public under some classified reasons of contingency, it made its first public appearance barely a few hours ago. Many great thinkers like John Hobston, Daniel Dickson, Samantha O'Sullivan, Bran "The Brat" Philhardy who dominated the progressive outlook of their time have spent the majority of their lives contemplating the numerous mysteries of this inanimate, yet profoundly (often explicity) hyperactive phenomenon.

The origin of the word is shrouded in mystery itself. People of the northeast claim it to have coined in semblance of a man trying to say "Excuse me" in the middle of a particularly embarrassing sneeze, but critics often point that out as an error arising out of the increasingly-politeness-consciousness of the folk.
Yet another speculation is that it originated from the Blauvian word for a purple pencil sharpener(disambiguation --> the sharpener was purple, not that it sharpened purple-pencils). However die hard supporters of this theory are still working to find out what the purple pencil sharpener had in common with this interesting phenomenon. (Update: Govt. has sanctioned a mainframe computer for the same) Archeologists, on the other hand have gone on strike complaining of lack of funds to continue their work at the base of the Kaynz stationery store, looking for ancient remains that might provide a clue to the above argument.

Often, the gauss theory of electromagnetism has been found to have yielded comletely unexpected results in bizzare exponents when applied to suezmijne. This made it a hit with chemists worldwide, who used it to ridicule the physicists. In late 2005, a group of shady teenagers went on the rampage with poisoned ballpoint pens, asking random pedestrians (and often stopping cars (whose drivers looked kind enough to stop (and not mow them down))) in the street, "Are you suezmijne?". To this day, no one knows what answer they expected - since all those who answered were pricked with the pens coated with some powerful alkaloid, ensuring seizure withing 24 hours. Three days(and tens of mysterious deaths) later, the gang disappeared as mysteriously as they had surfaced.

Suezmijne has interesting properties. It causes the sun to appear to rise in the east and set in the west (rare exceptions have been sighted by regular users of LSD or opium, where the earth was reported to have rose and set in the middle of the Qwarjzk desert on rainy days and spun over Mount Everest in winter). But no more properties have been discovered owing to its rare availbility for examination. The last phoenomenon attributed to Suezmijne was the gruesome torture and subsequent killing of Twenty eight pangolins reported missing over a year ago. Thirteen carcasses were found in a state of extreme horror, in grotesque postures such as never exhibited by the species. Two were beheaded and the rest were found in a terribly ecstasic looking stage, most presumably in hysteria. (There has been some argument over the latter, with some experts claiming it to be a deeply enlightened state of exhilaration and not hysteria - sources unknown).
The cadavers disappeared under mysterious circumstances (some point to spontaneous combustion) on the eve of the autopsy.

Nothing more was heard of the Suezmijne until wee hours of Thursday morning, when a sheaf of classified papers were spotted at the desk of the highest authority (who prefers to remain anonymous). The papers have been withheld in safe custody thence (but there are rumours of some contents having leaked out a few hours ago -- await update), and their appearance have sparked off fresh interest in the subject that has fascinated man for decades.

12 comments:

philippine lottery said...

What a great moment of reading blogs.

Urgu said...

Suezmijne, or sheshmijne, is, was and shall ever be. Well, not really.

WOah, man! This is one heck of a post. Though only we can relate to the truth behind our sheshmijne, this is one sterling piece of Crap. Never thought you had it in you to do crap.

People reading this: ask me or him privately what sheshmijne means, and we'll tell you.

Wont we, Sriram? ;)

Sriram said...

@philipine lottery: guess so =]

@urgu: Yeh man, for sure! God, after all this random sh!t, I'll probably have visitors from Congo or the Amazon rainforest arriving from a google-search for god knows what ;)

Sidhusaaheb said...

Been reading Frederick Forsyth, have we?

:D

Vrij said...

Hilarious! Initially I was like.. maybe this is something really technical.. but as I kept progressing.. sounded like a bundle of shit!

Btw.. that lottery comment above is SPAM!!

Sriram said...

@sidhusaaheb: Nopes... :D I picked out the first word that came to my mind and wrote a big cartload of crap on it!

@vrij: glad u recognised the sh!t... I now have serious doubts whether regular commentators took this for real and didnt know what to say :)

Divkiran said...

I am just simply smilin....good CRAP!!!!

g-man said...

you have become a fan of chef brian also? good good, i shall be awaiting the next post in this hopefully long chain of posts on the pseudo-existentialist pseudo-pseudo-pseudo jargon on the materialistic nonexistence of the immaterial universe.

great going

and i bow!

Sriram said...

@divkiran: :)

@g-man: pseudo-existentialist pseudo-pseudo-pseudo jargon on the materialistic nonexistence of the immaterial universe *applause*

g-man said...

we are to be good at working on one giant work of crap, yes?

Sriram said...

@g-man: yeah, one tiny giant-load of out-of-the-world yet familiarly human bit of crap...

iamtheicebox said...

nice crap dude!!!!!!

keep up the crap!