Of labs and labradors

Keeping in line with the latest ruling of the ASSociation of Hopelessly Obdurate Lab-Engaging Staff (ASSHOLES), students who have been condemned given the golden opportunity to experiment, innovate and serve humanity in a noble manner by copying readings from seniors' records designing, experimenting with and trying out various circuits in the electronics labs, will have to observe the following rules.

0. The lab record is the single most important thing in your possession. You are required to eat, sleep, play, take a shit, etc with it in your hand all the time. Anatomical difficulties like requiring two hands for certain jobs will have to be made up for by tactics like holding the book in between your teeth (Also see #4)

1. You shall not enter the lab without carrying your rough and fair lab records, held vertically in front of your chest perpendicular to the ground, in such a manner that it is visible to the main lab staff from a minimum distance of one and a half kilometres under normal-to-cloudy lighting conditions.

2. Your sessionals for the lab subject will be awarded strictly in accordance with various factors, including your performance in the lab, your attire, the state of health you turn up in everyday, the number of times you swear (and the number of times it's actually heard), grooming: for boys - the amount of stubble on your face, for girls - (consult staff advisor for details), the deodorant you wear, etc. All this will be STRICTLY calculated to a razor sharp precision of seventeen decimal places, applying the HDE whenever and wherever necessary. The final results shall be obtained after thorough calculation on the PARAM PADMA. Decisions made will be final and binding.

3. Speaking of binding, your rough and fair records are to be bound, tied and gagged with multiple layers of brown paper, and suitably insulated to withstand temperatures ranging from -187 to +242 degC and voltages of the order of 61 milliVolt. Bullet proofing is optional, though recommended.

4. A slight chink, crack or tear in the afore-mentioned insulation will be taken as a serious case of contempt-of-the-'cord and the violator shall be Record-martialled in full view of the ladies hostel (in case of male violators) or the mens' hostel (in case of female violators). Also, the insulation shall be restored within a period of twenty four hours from the time of

5. For those of your smart-alecks out there, the name rough record is a misnomer. All diagrams drawn in it have to be painstakingly sketched after atleast two rough drawings at home, spending a minimum of two and a half hours per square inch of drawing.

6. Following entry into the lab and preceding any experiment, the rough record will have to be submitted for crucifixion scrutiny, during which all blatant errors and mistakes (like non-uniformly dark lines, accidental eraser marks, slightly slanted lines, slightly non-neat handwriting) will be yelled at in the world's most irritating voice gently pointed out, following which it will have to be re-done in five minutes. Pleas which include words like "WTF" or "Herculean" will be instantly dismissed. The word "please" is banned.

7. The fair record will have to be immaculately maintained. It will have to be stored in a strongbox, shielded in ESD bags and kept out of reach of children and rodents. The handwriting of the person will be electronically scanned once, following which the same style will have to be maintained throughout his life and well into his afterlife, if any. The record shall be watered twice a day and exposed to sunlight of intensity 5.6 candela thrice a week.

8. Using mobile phones in the lab is blasphemy. Violators will be dealt with as in Section 42(Y) of the Code of Conduct in Labs and Other Subterranean Crevices, 1993.

9. No one shall do anything except what is required to be done in the syllabus DURING lab hours. During non lab hours, the lab shall be closed. However, the permission of the HOD and the staff advisor will have to be sought in writing, before making that extremely annoying discovery stated in the previous sentence.

10. You are nothing, you mortal earthling. You have been extremely lucky that your name happened to feature in the Entrance Exam result and it is pure chance that you got admission to this universally revered institution.

Update: Hmmm it's not this bad, actually :P


brajesh said...

every point in there was a knife thru the bloated egos of em sadistic,self proclaimed guardians of d draconian lab culture,though i must admit the guys we have r much more considerate.. now get em to read this lol. uh wel,tat wont make much of a difference,as they wont understand a word of d scathin sarcasm tat was lab and labradors. boy u sure did let off some steam man.. cheerio:)

Sriram said...

@brajesh: Ahem.. well I have to admit this was a bit of an 'over'aakkal. This is just a subtle 'ethinokkal' into wat any attempt at tyranny in lab might finally end up in.

BaluRaj said...

rofl...should get those retards to read this. awsum writin skills dude...keep em flowing.

/urgu said...

Ayyee... kooi! Enikku angane woru prashnavumilla. Lunch breakel aduthavante copy adichu chelluka. Avasanam oru pravashyam main vivakku prim and proper aayirikkanam enne ullu.

Srivardhan said...

rotflmao!! awesome piece..loved the sarcasm :D

Scoring well in lab exam viva is directly proportional to:
a)the cube root of subject knowledge
b)the square root of ur design logic
c)how hard u've worked for the exam
d)the square of luck
e)the third power of overall neatness, attire, record, handwriting etc
f)the eighth power of ur looks/glamour/face value/sex appeal
g)is independent of ur love for the subject

The Blue Indian said...

In addition to the ones you mentioned, we had a few more rules-

1. All experiments will have to be performed on apparatus of varying age, starting from the "slightly older" equipments excavated from Harappa to the "state-of-the-art" ones preserved from Industrial Revolution days.

2. In order to promote individuality and creative thinking, each experiment shall be performed by a group of no less than 20 students.

3. If the assigned experiment is successfully completed, early dismissal will be allowed from the lab, approximately 0.1 microseconds before the scheduled end of lab hours.

Sriram said...

@balu: Drop in this humble abode often :)
@guru: Onnu over aakkan pattoley? :|
@Srivardhan: D, E and G is so fucking true!!!
@karan: LOL we should make a lab-rules-manual man!!

Manish said...

ROTFL!! Esp. @Rules 3 & 7! I'm so glad I'm not in an engineering college ;-)

Gautam Sasi said...

KICKASS MACHA!!!!!!The Labrador ought to read dis thing..Azole..;)

hollowmaniac said...

heh. awesome macha, now that I've seen who the labrador is. :D

lady_strlight said...

dude...don't whine..labs and labradors are good for enhancing deduction skilss.. \m/